Boot Camp

boot camp, day 1:
up at 4:59 am,
a minute prior to the
alarm ringing me awake;
ready.

at my high school track,
we are timed in a half-mile
a constant test performed
(twice as long)
15 years ago....I ran with ease:
back then.

Today, I struggled with
my body
wanting it to move
faster and feeling
the weight of the world
or perhaps just the weight
of being out of shape.

I will push through this
I will be strong again
I will be healthy
I will drive through the pain
I will conquer the fear of failure
I will fight the exhaustion

I am reuniting my mind
and body and it is exciting.
The two have not been working
together and it is a necessary
step toward living a more
whole authentic life.

I will be proud of myself.
6 more weeks. Smile.

not again.

back to that cognitive dissonance thing again....

one minute sitting fully mindful in a quaint, yet exquisite playhouse in
a remote cape cod town i find myself
harvesting fields of emotion and inspiration
for poems and writings and a life
lived authentically.
and my chest reverberates with the power of this music,
while perfect tiny tears spring to the corners of my eyes,
and i must force myself to take a deep breath, or i will
forget as this place seems to hold it for me
as does the energy of these interesting people
around me,
that i can see now in fact, are me.

the next morning, i am in a suburban preschool drop off line
talking about banal minutia and chaperoning field trips
and complaining about nothingness
and fully investing
myself into the drivel that fuels these people's lives,
and i see now:
my life as well.
it feels all sorts of colors of uncomfortable.
and yet, easy.
and i want to shake these people and tell
them to open their eyes, to see bigger, to think deeper,
to walker further! just LIVE LOUDER.
but i don't.
instead i say to myself.

and then i take a walk.

the chatter in my brain continues to alternate between:

scheduling in a birthday party, various practices,
a spelling pre-test
and 'what she said about so and so'

and writing a serious piece of work
taking an off the beaten path road trip with the children
and reading more inspiring prose
campaigning for change

it is a struggle of selves,
of uniting that which makes me whole
not feeling a falseness anywhere,
and yet always being kind everywhere.

i wish to be more positive in my tone
and in my intention, always.

to me that is a logical first step.
from that, all else will flow.

and in doing so,
whatever the setting,
whatever the subject,
i shall be free, always fully me.

whoever that might be?

suffering as.

i longed to fast forward through this
day
to skip experiencing suffering of any kind
yours
mine
ours
and now
after that was not ever a choice
and walking each step through this
painful path
we have chosen
and shedding each careful tear
with deep aching inside of a
now bigger heart,
i know.
i know that suffering is a gift of its
own.
it allows us the opportunity to
grow in an uncomfortable new way
to learn
to reflect
to move on
to cherish
and to love
again.
it brings power in it's ability to
change us forever.
suffering is real
it must not be skipped over
it's indelible mark
bleeds and rips through us
but in doing so
makes us who we are.
more.
every moment.
we must understand this
and accept this.

For Chacha.

the clickety click click sound
of your nails on the hardwood
still echoes on the floor you will
no longer pace
and sobs roll forth thinking of
all of the things we will miss...
and
i giggle when i think of your first visit with us
how we knew your last home was
carpeted:
the sliding and slipping as if the floor
was covered in slime
and
of course, as if it wasn't going to be
hard enough on you,
your first real night with us
it rained. thundered too:
your biggest fear.
you were wet
you were scared
you were disoriented
and new
and now you are gone
and in the truest of circles
i will remember you the same
as you came:
wet
scared
and asking for help
a different kind
and
now we *know* that
the massive tumor that multiplied inside of you
forced you to leave the comfort of our home
for three cool rainy spring days in order for you
to TELL us and we begged for you
to tell us something else
we pleaded that you just 'come out of it'
but no, you knew.
it was time.
and
when i finally knew too, you knew that.
and you gave me love to help me face
those next steps.
today you were so grateful
so graceful
so sweet
so loving
and kind
you wanted me to remember that
about you and i promise, i will
your tail wagging
your ears
perked
your pleasing smile
and that was how we chose to remember you
so please forgive us for not choosing to stay
to watch all of that good intention slowly slip
out of you, we are simply not willing
to see you any other way. certainly not
void of your most perfect spirit.
and
i also would like to thank you for being
my first dog.
you will never know the gift
you have given me, all that you have taught me
about myself.
the doggie footprint imprinted on my heart
is a forever kind, a mark of love.
a new kind, and i
thank you, chacha marie.
rest in peace.