through tears, i write.

this is the first day i feel like a real grown up.

i have a neighbor battling with her next door neighbor to be allowed to build
an addition on her tiny house to accommodate her family, which includes a five year old with cystic fibrosis. the energy i have expended expressing my support for her seems to be endless. i will constantly refuel, a million times over, if it means helping these people. some of the *kindest* people i know.

also, my cousin's husband learned today that his 23 year old brilliant, beautiful, healthy sister has a stage four brain tumor. this my friends, is terminal. she just got a new job, a new apartment, a new boyfriend...she was beginning her new life as an adult.

last week, my good friends witnessed a car drop on top of their neighbor (who was working underneath the car) and kill him.

also, last week my mom's best friend received a call that her brother hung himself in the woods after a wonderful day of fishing with his best friend, his ten year old son.


WHAT? holy hell, this shit is REAL? and happening to people i actually KNOW? this sort of pain and suffering seems impalpable. it's like i can feel my heart gaining weight. growing heavier with worry. with compassion. with grief.

i recently contemplated the difference between pain and suffering. and thought perhaps that pain is something inevitable. something we all MUST endure. a natural part of life. albeit, unenjoyable. yet, suffering can be understood as the INability to LET GO of pain. or in other words, to allow pain in, so that it can pass through and leave again...it is not being mindful. it is a lack of acceptance of reality.

right now, i am feeling pain. and i am feeling the suffering of those around me. i want to believe that those who suffer are entitled to that. it seems hard earned and something to hold onto right now.

but more than that, i am terrified. none of these things are happening to ME. just all around me, buzzing about like flies feasting on shit. i am reminded that this is reality.

i just want to focus on my reality.
and live with compassion and love.
and respect the pain and suffering of others.

that's all i can do.

in the meantime, i weep.

finding peace.

as she pushes through every ounce of fear and
doubt,
she runs.
she runs not away from any particular
thing
or toward anything new
she is simply running
and while she makes these changes in
her physical self
she works to adjusts her mind
in slight but significant ways in order
to judge those in their struggles and journeys,
a bit less.
these changes bring about new awareness
in her spiritual sphere
and she finds new meaning
in being in the company of others.

she can breathe.
she can listen.
she can run.
she can hope.
she can speak.
she can think.
these are things which make her
the best sort of self.

that which she is happy to be.