not again.

back to that cognitive dissonance thing again....

one minute sitting fully mindful in a quaint, yet exquisite playhouse in
a remote cape cod town i find myself
harvesting fields of emotion and inspiration
for poems and writings and a life
lived authentically.
and my chest reverberates with the power of this music,
while perfect tiny tears spring to the corners of my eyes,
and i must force myself to take a deep breath, or i will
forget as this place seems to hold it for me
as does the energy of these interesting people
around me,
that i can see now in fact, are me.

the next morning, i am in a suburban preschool drop off line
talking about banal minutia and chaperoning field trips
and complaining about nothingness
and fully investing
myself into the drivel that fuels these people's lives,
and i see now:
my life as well.
it feels all sorts of colors of uncomfortable.
and yet, easy.
and i want to shake these people and tell
them to open their eyes, to see bigger, to think deeper,
to walker further! just LIVE LOUDER.
but i don't.
instead i say to myself.

and then i take a walk.

the chatter in my brain continues to alternate between:

scheduling in a birthday party, various practices,
a spelling pre-test
and 'what she said about so and so'

and writing a serious piece of work
taking an off the beaten path road trip with the children
and reading more inspiring prose
campaigning for change

it is a struggle of selves,
of uniting that which makes me whole
not feeling a falseness anywhere,
and yet always being kind everywhere.

i wish to be more positive in my tone
and in my intention, always.

to me that is a logical first step.
from that, all else will flow.

and in doing so,
whatever the setting,
whatever the subject,
i shall be free, always fully me.

whoever that might be?