through tears, i write.

this is the first day i feel like a real grown up.

i have a neighbor battling with her next door neighbor to be allowed to build
an addition on her tiny house to accommodate her family, which includes a five year old with cystic fibrosis. the energy i have expended expressing my support for her seems to be endless. i will constantly refuel, a million times over, if it means helping these people. some of the *kindest* people i know.

also, my cousin's husband learned today that his 23 year old brilliant, beautiful, healthy sister has a stage four brain tumor. this my friends, is terminal. she just got a new job, a new apartment, a new boyfriend...she was beginning her new life as an adult.

last week, my good friends witnessed a car drop on top of their neighbor (who was working underneath the car) and kill him.

also, last week my mom's best friend received a call that her brother hung himself in the woods after a wonderful day of fishing with his best friend, his ten year old son.


WHAT? holy hell, this shit is REAL? and happening to people i actually KNOW? this sort of pain and suffering seems impalpable. it's like i can feel my heart gaining weight. growing heavier with worry. with compassion. with grief.

i recently contemplated the difference between pain and suffering. and thought perhaps that pain is something inevitable. something we all MUST endure. a natural part of life. albeit, unenjoyable. yet, suffering can be understood as the INability to LET GO of pain. or in other words, to allow pain in, so that it can pass through and leave again...it is not being mindful. it is a lack of acceptance of reality.

right now, i am feeling pain. and i am feeling the suffering of those around me. i want to believe that those who suffer are entitled to that. it seems hard earned and something to hold onto right now.

but more than that, i am terrified. none of these things are happening to ME. just all around me, buzzing about like flies feasting on shit. i am reminded that this is reality.

i just want to focus on my reality.
and live with compassion and love.
and respect the pain and suffering of others.

that's all i can do.

in the meantime, i weep.