Special. Is for you.

It almost makes me wonder if you knew...
I am just so tempted to think you did...
Your perfect sense of joy on Christmas,
your delicious "last meal"
the way you shook hands and said your
goodbyes to all of those folks at the
restaurant of your last meal...

Did you?

Did you know?

Did you know God?

And if so, can I?

The line never stopped tonight
and
there were people standing and
laughing
and
crying
and
remarking in amazement
at all that you were
for to so many...
for hours....

endless

How did this happen?

How have you and Grampie
been able to live such long
healthy
fulfilling
and connected lives together
to garner
such a remarkable
tribute?

I don't know how,
you simply did.

And yet my internal
peace about your passing
is marred by a deep sorrow
for I loved you so much

You were so pure
even in that casket,
simply beautiful.

And I have never stared
so long at a body that
no longer held life.
I have never so much
wanted to not just look,
but to reach out and touch
a person laying in their
coffin.
Hold your hand,
play with your bracelet,
complete with your
grandchildren's names
to give you a squeeze,
and to fiddle with
and admire your pin on
your collar: an angel.

I cried instead,
and said good bye
and told myself:
YOU are the angel
now, for what lies
before me is merely
flesh.

You were not in
those clothes,
nor donning that jewelery
nor carrying that
make-upped skin

No,
you were all around us...
tinkled pink
at the turnout
and modest about
all the fuss,
all at the same time

In some ways,
I feel a deep sense of
comfort in your passing

For now, I don't have to
trek somewhere to see you
and feel your warm presence

Now, I know I can have that
whenever I want,
every day.

You will always be with me.

Thank you Nanie
for
teaching me
what special
really means.

Always.

RIP Nanie

Nanie,

I always wondered what the day would look like when you would pass away...

To me Nanie... you were immortal. Never aging, as those even younger than you passed on, you just kept moving through life with your silly grin and hysterical laugh.  You always looked the same age to me.You had style even at 90, and like me were so satisfied to find your style on sale...remember when Asa and I bumped into you and Grampie at Savers not too long ago and we showed each other our "scores"? So fun! You tickled Asa's feet in the shopping cart and were thrilled when he was enamored by you. We all were. I also remember being little and you would take care of us when Mom and Dad went on a rare getaway. You needed help with the remote control which we reluctantly gave you, reluctant because this meant watching your "programs". But alas, I will never again watch Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy without thinking of you, happily curled up in my dad's recliner knitting quietly and shouting things at the TV, proud of your own smarts. And you were fun on those vacations too, driving us to our activities way too slow. You made the rides even slower by going down hills and removing your foot from the gas pedal and trying to see if we could simply "coast" the whole way home...we never did. But it was fun trying. I remember when we bought our house finding out, after the fact, that you had actually lived IN MY house as a child, and mentioned it to me as an aside. I was incredulous at the coincidence, and asked how old you were when you lived here...You just said, "Sometime around middle school for a few years, hard to recall exactly." You only remembered your friends from the neighborhood, not too much about the house. Amazing. I will always feel your presence in this home...I remember too the hilarious story I was told about the day that Remy was born. A group of you were driving home from Jud and Trish's baby shower together, while I was back home in labor, and trying to decode a clue that I gave about the name of the baby...four letters, none repeating. You shouted "Elmo! NEMO!" in all seriousness...sure that one of them just must be right. You were so silly...Yet, so dignified and proud as well. You and Grampie renewing your vows at the library this past spring after 70 years of marriage was truly remarkable and I cried witnessing such commitment. You are and always will be strength personified. You had ins and outs in the hospital over the years, and yet fought through each challenge put before you. You were going to go on your terms. And you certainly have...peacefully in your home, with your loving husband at your side. Seeing you on Symmes family Christmas this year, not even two weeks ago, you were so *truly* happy and that is what I will always hold dear to my hear as the ultimate gift. The best gift you could have given each of us before leaving us...Your tendency toward the winter blues, sometimes made you teary and sad on this special event, but not this year. No, this year you radiated joy and magnificence. You acted as though the family photo I gave you was a genuine treasure and you laughed countless times as my maniac toddler bounded up and down the stairs. You were perfect....just like this clear, sunny winter day. Perfect....I should have known you'd pick a gem of a day to go. I should have expected nothing less, really. And now, as our large family gathers in sorrow to remember you, we are just so full of gratitude for all you have given us. Life, of course. But so much more. The gift of family, the gift of togetherness, the gift of grace and dignity. You taught us to give love and to be love. We will all miss you more than you will ever know. Rest in peace, sweet sweet Nanie.

too soon

A runaway train of grief
plows through every
town
city
peak
and valley
of the nation

As the lump in our throat
remains
and we wonder when it
will pass and realize
it won't...

but will it
be replaced?

by more trails of tears
more sorrow
heavy and thick
coating our hearts
which begin 
to grow more porous
by the day

but as the agony
of this loss
permeates our
soul something else
happens too

we allow the sadness
to reach it's lowest
depth and with that
provide a springboard;
a place to bounce

and back up we come
and together we
do this
not with politics
or division
not with
blame or
judgment

rather with respect
for the self worth of
all of us
ALL of us
including those of
us deeply flawed

we see that pain
is pain
and cannot be
separated
valued
labelled
prioritized

suffering is life
life is more than
suffering too

because we
have suffered and
lost
we live and
love again

it is in our darkest
hours of grief and
loss that we see
our innermost
selves

in in this national
trauma
those innermost
selves are
reaching out together
and holding
hands right now
all across the globe

this connection we
feel with those
we didn't realize
we shared commonality
with:
the ultimate
expression of our
humanity

we can be better
and we will be better.
20 children above
are counting on us.

It's too late now...

look here, an infant looks up at you
go on and live a little
and blink
she's a teen you were never meant
to know

A mirror reveals remorseless,
loose skin forming only
to comfort the hard lines
that couch your smile
and frame your frowning eyes
yet your soul
refuses to ever feel old

and those nights of wonder
the nights of discontent
the desire and fortune
telling secrets across
the bar with beer breath
and sly smiles

have turned into
youtubed love songs
and a dvr full of nonsense
all intended for one thing:
to move us.

and while it may seem
much more of an effort
to obtain this effect
it is worth it to connect
to reconnect
to rewind
to fast forward
to take a sip
and to forget
for a minute...

for a pause

that any other moment
other than now
past
or
future
ever
even
happened

that's how

that's how we start
over

that's how we repent

that's how we can move
forward

that's how we can
reinvent

Love.

Over. And Over.

It will always
go
back to love.



 

Inspiration

Waking up at 4:51
perseverating

like a drum stick
tap tap tap tap tapping
the same
problem she went
to bed to escape
over
and
over
tapping into her skull,
still now hours later
in the darkness

even morning not
willing
to give in, as she has
weak
and
tired

she reaches for tools
to relax her mind:

thought replacement
deep breathing
muscle relaxation
words with friends

her mind is tangled up
in anger and it is
eating her alive

she must physically rise
up from this waterboard
and walk away
away from this torture

chains fall to the floor
and she breaks away

coffee soon in hand
the natural sounds of the day
commence

and amidst the cacophony
of insects
a bird calls out
what actually sounds exactly
like "TWEET" in a most
silly cartoon voice
and she laughs.

smiling from the inside out
happiness is a choice
we must all make for ourselves
and perspective is a blessing
that always offers a more
options

Inspiration occurs when
we least expect it and
openness always
guarantees
more of it.

pride.

She rides each tear out clutching
it's weight before it drips away
following the one before
a runaway train of wild emotion

Years of thoughts and wonderings
led to this new day and suddenly
debate and yearning have been swallowed
by the reality that has arrived: Asa.

All questions have been left behind
and we travel forward with hearts
so brimming with love they
risk overflowing, cracking and falling apart

but...they will just grow bigger.

Humbled by the immensity of
change and newness we are
awed by the greatness of the
journey and we walk proudly forth

We will not let down this perfect gift
for he was so deeply wanted
and needed
and will shine on, a bright star.

Indeed.

A decade and a belly.

In 5 days we recognize a 10 year
anniversary
of 9/11
And as I ruminate on this
piece of historical tragedy,
I rub my baby boy belly
just as did...all those years ago.

Life has a way of cycling
and as it rolls through
and things change
we can either get caught up
in our own path
fixating on how to best
control it

or we can look around
as we move and
be grateful
be thoughtful
be kind

we can uncover the
hate in our hearts
and nurture love
so that as new life
arrives,
earthside
he shall be greeted
with all the possibility
in the world
not devastation
rage
despair.

These are the lessons
we share.