real work.

i think my seven year old needs therapy. or might soon. or something equally horrible. up until oh, about now, he was purely brilliant, confident, sincere and amusing. all traits he inherited from me. of course. suddenly, he has turned into a sportscenter watching, overly selfindulgent, bragging, punk with a giant (and not the slightest bit delicious) CHIP on his shoulder. (ahem, i think we all know who he turned into...)

the thing is tony has a legit temper. (i will preface that it is his own personal achilles heel and aside from this, he could pretty much be a perfect human being- shhh. don't tell him i said so!) and in spite of all of his OWN work (and there is a lot of work he has done) to cope with these angry outbursts, he has succeeded at handing this behavior over to his son. plain and simple. i wish this were a blameless situation but it's not.

the bottom line is, when lil ole manda was at YMCA camp as a child, playing capture the flag, she simply did NOT walk over and push stupid jenny down (to the ground!) when jenny took off after the flags before the whistle was blown. mini-manda would probably be a little ticked (7 year old manda was already a giant fan of justice.) however, she would probably have just done the child version of writing a person off. pfft. who needs her. look at her dumb ponytail anyway. the end.

on the OTHER hand, i have a sneaking suspicion that the lil tyke known as tiny tony would have also nailed the kid down to the ground too. unapologetically. and called him a cheater. never EVER feeling as though he was in the wrong. justice prevailed! damn straight!

and now, i am starting to understand that *this* is who ezra is. or at least who he was at camp today. according to my sister who called to tell me. i am not sure words can explain how eternally grateful i will forever be for hearing this sort of news from my sister (world's best camp director), instead of a camp director that is a stranger (who would in turn hate me, and my kid, and i would be forever mortified.)

ez has inherited this attitude from his dad. my heart wants to jump out of my chest cavity and throw itself off a cliff. or really, it just hurts. a lot. this is my little boy, my BABY, the one we took to peace rallies and dressed in tie-dyed pajamas. the one we have always TALKED to in a way that we feel has made him a smart person, sure, but moreso, a KIND person. the little dude who really seemed to GET THINGS, like big amazing THINGS, has suddenly turned into a punk. a punk that pushes kids down. a punk that when tattled on by a peer has this said about him: "well you know that ezra and his anger issues..."

WHAT!? he is SEVEN. oh man, here come the tears again. this simply cannot be. but it is. and oh wait. for crying out loud! i am also currently experiencing my monthly mood swing... so this dramatic babbling is really quite enhanced right now. hormones. (i wish ez would get back from camp and punch these damn hormones right in the face for me! they won't stand a chance against my prize fighter!) oh look, i can make jokes. phew.

what i really want is not altogether that complicated. or, in my opinion, too much to expect. i just want a nice boy. and the thing is that he IS a nice boy. why is this all going horribly wrong all of a sudden? is this the real work of parenting? when they grow up and spend time away from us and we can no longer decide exactly the sort of beings that they will be? control is not something i am good with freely giving. i pretty much like to keep it all. crap. this really is the hard part.

letting go. yet hanging on for dear life.

so it goes....