the keeper

i read this novel,
my book club assignment
like it is my horoscope,
my fortune cookie.

i read it all the time,
i cannot put it down
and each time i do,
and return to my
own life, preoccupied
still.

i cannot help but
think of it.

family.

relationships.

i am so blurred
now

i have finished.

tears and
hyperventilation

sobs that i allow
to flow freely
for my children
and their undetermined
lives

and the love
and the reckless nature
of life

and the lack of control
over any of it.

it is all there
making it so amazing
each and every day

children.

and yet the tragedy
of loss that hides
lurking in each moment
each day
always

causing me
to lose my patience
a little too often

reprimand a little too
loudly

a panic
that i can't quite
escape

a tightrope walked
between providing
safety and expecting
to stop the danger,
forever.

it is so much bigger than
me i feel like it could
squash me

a bug

this book is a hard
reminder

life is not forever

and parental love is not
bills
money
houses
activities
schooling
friends
achievements
vacations
cavities
or manners

it is the moments
in between all of
these things
details that
distract us
from the moments
where we are truly
alive.

the tight cuddle
right after a nap

the look of wonder
amidst discovery

a new talent
developed

the questions
they ask,
will you always
be my mom?

and the answers
that we struggle
and leap to give

our own life force
made stronger
in creating theirs

knowing this
is what makes
us all

infinite