just keep finding these old gems...

i call it: winged harry potter (hairy potter?)

truth

taken almost one year ago. my how she's grown. someone, please make it stop...

Summer. As it should be...

This is joy. In purest form. Only THIS moment, matters. Always.

love list

1. i love going away (like i did this weekend) without my kids and how their voices sound when i call them from anywhere "away"...they sound small and young and different and new.
   
2. i love coming home to eyes that light up at the first sight of me and that remember me in a whole new way.
3. i love seeing THEM in a brand new way.
   
4. i love the discussion of our separate times.
   
5. i love making it all disappear in our togetherness.
6. i love that i can still cuddle them both to sleep.
7. i love that my children are healthy and strong. i feel grateful for this EVERY day.
8. i love that i CAN be a BETTER mom, each and every day. and that i work to do so.
9. i love that being a mom simply means BEING.
10. i love making lists about my kids. and life. and just love, in general.

So, you wanna be a FOSTER parent?

Um. Yes, please.

It's really all I've ever wanted. Since the time I was a child myself and I witnessed my aunt and uncle foster many MANY children, first hand. They were amazing. The way they absorbed these children into their families, so TEMPRORARILY at times, yet with such loving compassion and positive enthusiasm for their lives. They gave them hope, and helped guide each small child through as many challenges as they could. Of course, it was not always rainbows and butterflies and "Aren't we saints, look at the good we are doing!". Often they saw the horrible realities of life, and fully experienced their OWN limitations as people and a family. That they could NOT change everything. Or everyone. Or sometimes, ANYTHING. But they pursued with compassion always and their journey ended, (or perhaps just began) with the adoption of one special little girl, my cousin Maddie. What a JOY she has been in all of our lives and I cannot IMAGINE life without her.

For all of this and more, I have ALWAYS wanted, with everything in my being to DO this work. I worked for The Key Program in Rhode Island directly after college and met many young women who had been in various "placements" in their lives (some being foster) and heard them talk about how cruel some of them were, even abusive. It was then, that it was solidified for me that I would DO foster care. I HAD DO. THIS WORK NEEDS ME. I WANT TO. I will....But when?

Well I have to say...it seems after a woman has one child, she is perpetually asked, "Will you have more?" Then even after two, "Are you all done?"...And people truly feel it is their job to tell you their thoughts on YOUR situation. Which is fine. It IS nice to consider different perspectives...especially when you're like me and you really don't KNOW how many biological children makes sense for YOUR family. It's nice to hear the pros and cons and things I might not have thought about. BUT, my response to all these people for some reason always involves my confession that I WANT TO BE A FOSTER PARENT. I explain why and whatnot and finish with..."So my fear is if I have too many biological children, I will convince myself I should NOT have foster children too." This usually gets people to realize the world is bigger than ourselves. I want to always remember to see it that way. And to teach my children these lessons as well.

So now, we have been flipping over and over like a pancake that won't cook, the idea of expanding from our two children to three. Biologically. We have discussed it a lot and cannot seem to come to the place where it just "feels right" to go forward and have another. Not yet at least. So we have let the topic fall away, AGAIN. And yet, during these months of "thinking it over" I have also retreated inward (when I have a few free moments in my brain) and have TRULY tried to dig deep and center. I am trying to uncover my passions. When this current childcare gig is up (which I honestly sincerely LOVE doing, but DO want to see and end to in the next few years...) I want to return to ME. Career-wise. I KNOW that it involves social services. It has to. When I mull over fun NEW ideas (a mama magazine, poetry writing, children's book authoring, opening a business etc), as unique and novel as they all are, none of them create a bubble of rising excitement in me. (I like to think of that as a sign or symptom of PASSION).

So I move on from those ideas, but now, like always I have arrived back at foster care. I am staring right at it. I cannot avoid it, nor do I want to push it into the ambiguous future ANYmore.

I have always said, "Someday, I want to be a foster parent..." having NO idea when that day would be. Well, something inside me, tells me. It's NOW. It IS what I feel is RIGHT. RIGHT NOW. Finally. I am open and ready. WOO HOO!

Peter Pan complex

Bedtime.

We talk for a LONG time, he and i. hard to believe he's closer to a decade-old than to the baby that slept on my chest each night. It's especially hard since he's been having a Peter Pan complex lately. Any time the topic of "how big" he's getting or "when he's a grown up" arises, he verges on tears, and declares he doesn't WANT to growup. Then ACTUAL tears follow these assertions because HE KNOWS he has to. He understands that's not something he CAN choose...AWFUL. I WOULD LOVE TO KEEP YOU YOUNG FOREVER TOO, LITTLE BUDDY!

Then, we settle down and start to cuddle all snug ready to close our eyes and imagine. Our "garden" meditation (from our children's book of meditations, his favorite) is the old standby for visualization. Tonight I tell him I am changing my garden to be the location of our summer vacation rental cottage instead. I just can't wait to get back there...

He tells me he's not doing a garden at all tonight. Rather, he's going to imagine he's chasing a giant, running CHEESE! Who is hugging his best buddy, Bacon. And Bacon is hugging HIS best buddy TUNA!

He giggles and rolls over. Peter Pan is alive and well!